Day 15, Thursday, September 3, 2009

Today I plan on giving myself a huge, heapin' guilt-free dose of self-honesty. Here goes.

Back during one of the times after we had broken up and then were thinking about getting back together, the man who I at the time was the love of my life and I couldn't live without, told me one of his main reasons for not wanting to be with me is that I didn't seem to have much self-love. Ouch.

How could I not love myself? I probably gave myself 85% of my daily thoughts worth of reasons why I wasn't worthy of self-love yet. Today, almost 10 years later through my spirituality that percentage probably hovers somewhere around 50%.

I also can see I have some judgment towards people who are physically in ill health on a continuous basis. And I can see how doctors and all the energy on health care and people having so much focus on health insurance, etc. (I haven't had health insurance for at least 7 years and have more than saved a ton of money paying for any health care out of my own pocket than putting any worry on this). Whether they realize it or not, doctors need patients to survive. And so a part of them has a vested interest in keeping all of this going.

After I read Zero Limits, I realized that all of us in the self-help and spirituality mix are pretty much in the same boat. If it appears my livelihood is based on helping broken people, then I have a vested interest in perpetuating broken people because I need them.

It's part of why I started American Well-Being LLC. According to Abraham-Hicks, at least to be fair, in my interpretation, right here and now I am already everything worthy of love...I am already whole, perfect, fabulous, wonderful, brilliant, flowing and glowing well-being and All is Well...right here and now and in every marvelous, miraculous moment of now. So, why am I not experiencing this here and now?

That seems like the million dollar question.

Today is also the start of the second month or day 33 of my actual 100-day journey I told myself I was starting because day 100 would be the day I turn 50 in earth years. 1/3rd of the way through and in all honesty I'm not sure how much progress I feel I've made. Yet, doesn't that have to be okay?

This morning I again woke up not feeling the best emotionally and why don't I wake up just feeling joy? And part of me doesn't want the answer so much as the solution.

And another part of me knows the solution is love. Love. Love. Love. Not just any love, but unconditional love. Can I only love myself if....?

Is that why I am so pushing to have adoring fans who love my blog, or think I'm great 'cuz I am promoting currency cleansing with no thought of gain except the healing for our economy or with my Big Idea for inspired giving? If others think I am this wonderful and jump on the bandwagon, then can I love myself? I mean sometimes, I can't even love myself (here's some honesty for you) if I don't make the bed. And I can see that sometimes I push myself to see how far I can go with something before I think I might be punished. But punished by who or whom or what?

And all of it brings me back to Zero Limits and ho'oponopono. Technically, there is no out there. Technically, everyone else is perfect (and me too but if I am not experiencing myself as perfect that's where the cleaning comes in). So there is no punishment, but self-punishment. There is no judgment, but self-judgment. And what will it take for me to love myself.

Here's some more honesty. If truth be told I can see I even have a hard time saying I love myself unconditionally or feeling like it is a worthy pursuit to be more self-loving. After all...look at me, I am a mess. Okay, I am not really a mess. But sometimes with the way I treat and think about myself, you might think this is the truth.

It's all relative. Currently, I live in a four-plex which is owned by my life partner's family. At one point because every unit is actually pretty nice considering it is a four-plex (3 bedrooms and 2 baths), the more I decorated it to my taste, the more I loved it and felt like it was the taj mahal. That was a little over a year ago. And ever since, I am less satisfied because I want to live in walking distance to my beloved ocean. You know, like I say on Twitter. I am an ocean dork. I love it.

Has my home changed? No. Just my thought about it. And I know my energy is torn about leaving because my man loves it here with his family. Plus, every day all of his sister's grand children are here playing and being kids. As I watch them, I become more and more convinced about wanting to find a way to return to that place of innocence of a child. I am not sure what age it might be yet or around what age, but there is a time when they have no self-consciousness about there body or how they look or if the universe will grant their desire or any of that.

As I was sitting at the computer contemplating what I wanted to do next, while my brain was trying to help me figure out what was the best next step, something that they mention in Zero Limits is when I am at this place of Zero Limits I can hear the inspiration from the divine. And then I don't even have to decide whether or not I should act on that inspiration because I already know the answer is yes.

I also love how Zero Limits talks about how we like to think we know and we like to think we have the answers and then we will arrive and everything will be magical from that moment forward. So, I love Dr. Len's honesty that even at this point if he is honest, he doesn't really know the why for everything...he still isn't always sure what is a memory playing which has come up in awareness or an inspiration. And so he keeps on cleaning.

So I say take it with a grain of salt when someone says they have your answers. And I am going to try to make it enough that even if my place that I hold in all of this cosmic consciousness is one of silently cleaning, cleaning, cleaning in order to live more and more fully from an open heart in each miraculous moment of now, to let myself be content with that. For I more and more do understand that for every celebrity...for every star...they can't play their role without their fans and followers playing theirs.

And perhaps that is a key to the Peace of I. Every role is important. Every cog. Every spark of the divine. How can I love myself now? How can I love myself in this moment? Especially knowing that I am loved divinely in this moment. I am blessed divinely in this moment. Can't I see it? Can't I feel it? Can't I receive it? Can't I radiate it...flow it and glow it?

Some might say, if you wish to see it...get different eyes. It's my understanding that is the meaning behind the one eye on the pyramid. Until then or perhaps in combination with this understanding, I again continue to convince myself that ho'oponopono is such a wonderful answer and solution as it continues to cleanse my lenses that I perceive the world with until I reach my desitination of zero limits.

Plus, I have to say that one thing I have let go of (or am aware of and willing to let go more and more of) is being helped. I am open to all help. And yet, I continue to see how it is mostly an inside job.

And so can I love myself right now? How about now? And for those of you correct English snobs out there (I love you), you may be thinking, "of course you can. Ask a better question." Will I love myself unconditionally right now? How about now?

And I say through all of this conversation with myself, I am happy to recommit to love. To self love, to loving everything and anything in every moment to the best of my ability. I feel like in this challenge I have sort of through the back door asked for all the ways I haven't loved myself to show up so I can now love them. As I have also committed to taking 100% responsibility for my flowing n glowing well-being, if stuff does come up LOVE is always the answer.

Although having just read that, I would like to shout out to the Universe that this doesn't mean I am looking for you to bring me reasons to love necessarily. It seems to me that if I learned anything from Zero Limits is that love doesn't need a reason. Love is who I am. Love is what I do. Only love. Always love. Flowing love. Glowing love. Radiating love.

I know there is a part of me that will fight this, it already is resistant to it. It already is telling me that love is not the answer...that love is not how I get my desires fulfilled. Still, I remember when I first read Deepak Chopra's book on Snychrodestiny and how he mentions something to the effect that there will come a time when my desire will merge with divine desire...what is best for the collective consciousness as a whole...and it seems to me that time is approaching for me.

Deepak Chopra has long talked about the known being a prison. I was contemplating the other day that when I graduated from High School I could have never contemplated the different technologies and things like that to have made some sort of concrete plan and map of my life.

And I want to let go of the things like, "this happened because ______". I desire to get to that place that there is only one reason. What shows up in my awareness shows up because it is a vibrational match to what is in my consciousness. However, the universe is taking care of me is because I feel taken care of to that degree.

Like I told myself before, if in every moment I do not question why did this show up or it what has shown up is good or bad or worthy of love...of my love...for any and all of this is RESISTANCE...and I simply love it all with my heart as open as I may allow it to be...and this is my consciousness...then pretty soon my outer will match my inner (for sadly there is a time lag...okay, let me love that too). And then maybe I won't wake up anymore feeling low...everyday I will wake up feeling only joy and love.

And as I hear the kids upstairs watching, Finding Nemo, one of my favorite movies EVER, I am reminded to "Just Keep Swimming".